My entire life has pretty much reinforced not to get attached to things. I guess having that mindset makes it easier when things in your life keep getting damaged or taken away. I'm a taurus and taurus's like having nice things. Even if I don't want to have a lot, I want the things I have to be nice.
My step-dad was nice enough to help me move, but I'm now down a metal shelf and my favorite piece of furniture is damaged in multiple places. As sad as it sounds, that dresser has been symbolic for me. It's the one thing that I've stuck to my guns on and did it for myself. I've always wanted white furniture. I even had my old roomate's mom tell me I don't need a dresser. I didn't have white furniture in my last house either (well until the very end). Having white furniture is something that I associated with me being able to make it on my own. Because it was my choice and something I wanted so badly.
It's been the one thing that's been home to me is using that stupid ass white dresser. I didn't get to use it for a long time, because it was something I bought at the end of my marriage. It stayed at that house for a long time, before I got a place that I could actually use it.
Sure it's only a $180 Ikea dresser, but it meant a lot to me. Even my car is falling apart.
I'm just trying so hard to not be attached to things or even people. It's not easy, but honestly it's becoming my way of life. Especially with how often I've had to move. I kind of don't have a choice.
I know this is a stupid rant. It's just like fuck, can I have anything?
Sunday, June 16, 2019
Friday, June 7, 2019
A Shift in Focus
This is my first blog post in some time. I decided to create a new blog. I'll be honest, I'm not sold on the name, but hey I'm just going to go with it. Life lately has been such a wild string of events that have led to where I am now. Writing and drinking on my mom's porch.
I got kicked out of where I was living previously. Most of belongings are still there, but my family is going to help me move very soon. So many things have brought me to this point and I feel I am finally ready for change.
One of my biggest flaws is that I have always been very selfish. I'm not sure why or how I became that way exactly. Maybe being the oldest child and having siblings that wanted to use my things, and not treating them as if they were their own. Things being returned with imperfections. They didn't know any better.
Working hard and having things to show for it. I'm lazy, so I guess that makes it even worse, because of how much effort was involved to be rewarded. So I learned to be protective. It's not fun to talk about. Nobody likes sharing their faults. We all want to appear perfect, but of course nobody is. However, it's ok to be weak sometimes. You just can't let it define you or take over.
For the last 10 years, I have been working to become a minimalist. Constantly getting rid of things. However, I still can't say I truly am one. I try to loosely live that way. I can't even tell you how much of my life I have spent toiling over what I should keep and what I should get rid of. It took getting to where I am today to hit my breaking point.
I have moved way too many times the last couple years. 6 or 7 in two years I believe. I just can't take it anymore. I'm so tired of moving my shit around. That's how it's been my entire life. I couldn't even tell you how many different schools I went to. On average moving every two years. I can't anymore. I feel like I'm never going to actually be able to settle anywhere.
Also, life is way too fucking short to obsessively be thinking about what should stay and go. I met someone recently that essentially had to raise themselves at an early age. He dealt with homelessness, not knowing where the next meal would come from, or the next bed to sleep in. He had to sleep with what he owned in his pockets at risk of it being taken in the night. However, he has some of the most solid friendships a person could ask for.
With that being said, I've questioned a lot about the reason why we're here as people. Of course nobody truly knows. What I keep coming back to is people making connections with each other. I've thought that's why people end up offing themselves is because they're lonely. They have no true support system. No one to break through.
When I feel most alive is when I make a true connection with someone. Unfortunately for me, it's incredibly rare.
I could go on and on, but where I'm trying to get is that I want to get rid of most of my things and focus on people. I've neglected that for most of my life. Bonding. It never came easy for me, and eventually I just gave up. All I needed was myself. I'm tired of just my own company. It's lonely. Needed at times, but lonely.
I'm not entirely sure what that's going to look like yet. Probably a career change. I have a couple ideas in mind.
I got kicked out of where I was living previously. Most of belongings are still there, but my family is going to help me move very soon. So many things have brought me to this point and I feel I am finally ready for change.
One of my biggest flaws is that I have always been very selfish. I'm not sure why or how I became that way exactly. Maybe being the oldest child and having siblings that wanted to use my things, and not treating them as if they were their own. Things being returned with imperfections. They didn't know any better.
Working hard and having things to show for it. I'm lazy, so I guess that makes it even worse, because of how much effort was involved to be rewarded. So I learned to be protective. It's not fun to talk about. Nobody likes sharing their faults. We all want to appear perfect, but of course nobody is. However, it's ok to be weak sometimes. You just can't let it define you or take over.
For the last 10 years, I have been working to become a minimalist. Constantly getting rid of things. However, I still can't say I truly am one. I try to loosely live that way. I can't even tell you how much of my life I have spent toiling over what I should keep and what I should get rid of. It took getting to where I am today to hit my breaking point.
I have moved way too many times the last couple years. 6 or 7 in two years I believe. I just can't take it anymore. I'm so tired of moving my shit around. That's how it's been my entire life. I couldn't even tell you how many different schools I went to. On average moving every two years. I can't anymore. I feel like I'm never going to actually be able to settle anywhere.
Also, life is way too fucking short to obsessively be thinking about what should stay and go. I met someone recently that essentially had to raise themselves at an early age. He dealt with homelessness, not knowing where the next meal would come from, or the next bed to sleep in. He had to sleep with what he owned in his pockets at risk of it being taken in the night. However, he has some of the most solid friendships a person could ask for.
With that being said, I've questioned a lot about the reason why we're here as people. Of course nobody truly knows. What I keep coming back to is people making connections with each other. I've thought that's why people end up offing themselves is because they're lonely. They have no true support system. No one to break through.
When I feel most alive is when I make a true connection with someone. Unfortunately for me, it's incredibly rare.
I could go on and on, but where I'm trying to get is that I want to get rid of most of my things and focus on people. I've neglected that for most of my life. Bonding. It never came easy for me, and eventually I just gave up. All I needed was myself. I'm tired of just my own company. It's lonely. Needed at times, but lonely.
I'm not entirely sure what that's going to look like yet. Probably a career change. I have a couple ideas in mind.
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