Alone

I've seen something posted many times about how life will keep giving you the same test until you pass. People keep dropping from my life like flies. Some of it I think is my fault. Some of it is I think that I don't want to settle for things that don't fit right with me. I'm so fucking tired of giving so much of myself to people for very little in return.

I really think life is trying to tell me that I need to be ok with being alone. I've never been able to do that. I like some alone time, but I also need someone to comfort me. It's becoming more and more obvious that you can't rely on anyone and that person has to be you.

The one thing I've never been able to face is being on my own. I don't know how.

I just feel like a boring person and need external stimulation beyond what I can provide for myself. I feel like a selfish person when I write online, but it's because in my real life I try to let everyone else say what they need to. My threshold is fucking overflowing. I'm tired of trying to make other people feel better about themselves. I keep giving and giving and giving. I just can't. There's nothing left. I feel like a vial. Slowly getting drained, drop by drop. I need someone to hold me, touch my hair and tell me it's going to be ok.

I'm becoming so fucking cold. I just don't fucking care anymore. Nobody fucking cares about me. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm not going to reach out to people anymore. I'm tired of checking in with people.

I just want to meet someone that gives as much as I give them. I can't keep giving when there's nothing left.

I kind of hate being an INFP. Our main goal is to find someone to love and it's fucking consuming my life and has been for as long as I can remember. I hate it. Literally like since kindergarten I remember being boy crazy. My first kiss was in kindergarten. Obviously nothing besides being a kid, but still. It's something that is never going to change. I just want to love myself and not need anyone else. It's just not realistic. I hate being lonely. I'm not enough for myself.

7/17/19

I can't really think of a more creative title right now. I just got off work and I'm not going to let myself drink tonight. I haven't had a sober night in forever. This might be a weird thing to write about, but we're all different, and this is something that for some crazy reason I believe in and that's energy.

I feel it way more than I wish I did. Being around certain people makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Yesterday was crazy. I could definitely feel how the full moon was affecting people. Everyone was on edge including myself.

I'm at a point in my life now that I don't want to be around people that I feel have bad energy.

I'm currently watching this video and it's really resonating with how I've been feeling the last few days.

https://youtu.be/7g589hdraus

I had been feeling (even before I watched this) that now is the time to really start changing things for the positive. It's time to work on finding a new place to live. I no longer have anyone making me feel bad about my current life situation besides myself. That honestly feels way better when it's only you telling yourself to improve. When it's someone else, it just makes you feel like you're a fuck up.

I got some good news today, and I'm hoping my living situation is going to change within the next 2 months or so. I was so happy to hear this, because it really couldn't have come at a better time. It feels like everything is falling apart and I barely have a grasp on how to function these days. That's probably a bit dramatic, but I'm just probably the worst off I've ever been. I've never been the irresponsible one until now. The biggest thing I had to worry about was my anxiety. Which honestly hasn't affected me much lately. Having to move back in with my mom AGAIN really messed with me this time. It just made me feel like I'm never going to flourish.

I really think once I get out of here I'll feel more like myself again and like I can actually be an adult. I should just appreciate it while I have less responsibilities, but it's hard when I have that lingering pressure over me that I need to move out very soon. My family is going to be looking for houses next month.