Alone

I've seen something posted many times about how life will keep giving you the same test until you pass. People keep dropping from my life like flies. Some of it I think is my fault. Some of it is I think that I don't want to settle for things that don't fit right with me. I'm so fucking tired of giving so much of myself to people for very little in return.

I really think life is trying to tell me that I need to be ok with being alone. I've never been able to do that. I like some alone time, but I also need someone to comfort me. It's becoming more and more obvious that you can't rely on anyone and that person has to be you.

The one thing I've never been able to face is being on my own. I don't know how.

I just feel like a boring person and need external stimulation beyond what I can provide for myself. I feel like a selfish person when I write online, but it's because in my real life I try to let everyone else say what they need to. My threshold is fucking overflowing. I'm tired of trying to make other people feel better about themselves. I keep giving and giving and giving. I just can't. There's nothing left. I feel like a vial. Slowly getting drained, drop by drop. I need someone to hold me, touch my hair and tell me it's going to be ok.

I'm becoming so fucking cold. I just don't fucking care anymore. Nobody fucking cares about me. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm not going to reach out to people anymore. I'm tired of checking in with people.

I just want to meet someone that gives as much as I give them. I can't keep giving when there's nothing left.

I kind of hate being an INFP. Our main goal is to find someone to love and it's fucking consuming my life and has been for as long as I can remember. I hate it. Literally like since kindergarten I remember being boy crazy. My first kiss was in kindergarten. Obviously nothing besides being a kid, but still. It's something that is never going to change. I just want to love myself and not need anyone else. It's just not realistic. I hate being lonely. I'm not enough for myself.