Becoming New (or just accepting yourself)

I’ve been thinking, as I do lol, and this is almost a continuation of my last post. I’m realizing that I’m ok with not having one style. I have a dark and a light side and my style represents that. I also have kind of a middle ground as well. I don’t have one go to. Sometimes I want to wear all black or a white thermal shirt, sometimes I want to wear a fuzzy bubblegum pink sweater, and other times I want to wear a yellow dress. I’ve felt like I’ve needed to narrow it down, but really I don’t. Sure it’s easier if I do, but like life, everything isn’t black and white. It’s easier if I accept myself as who I am: someone that does what feels right.

I’ve been watching this youtuber https://www.youtube.com/user/BreenyLee and she’s been inspiring me more than probably any other youtuber, it’s insane. Particularly her pep talks. I’ve been watching her videos all day, and they’re getting my mindset right. Back to myself. To where it needs to be. I really feel she has it figured out in so many aspects. She read her “list” of what she wanted in her dream partner and hers was more extensive than mine, and I found that comforting. I thought I was expecting too much. She made me want to work on mine more.

I feel like I have more to say, but I’m going to leave it at this for now.

Becoming New

I wrote this about a week ago and never posted it:

I keep trying to clean my room, but I have things on my mind that I want to write about for a bit. Since as early as being a toddler, I've always loved masks and costumes. I've had identity crises since middle school. I remember asking myself do I want to dress this way or that way (and they were completely different and very specific.) I go through phases of how I want to dress and I'm going through one again.

I keep wanting to beat myself up about it and subconsciously tell myself "but that's not you." But why can't it be? I can dress however I want and the only person preventing me from dressing how I want to is myself. I guess it's because dressing the way I want makes me feel like I'm trying to fit a mold. But if it's what makes me happy, who cares?

I do feel like I'm having an identity crisis right now. I've completely changed who I was in the last 6 months or so. It's insane to think how quickly people can completely change. I used to feel like such a unique individual. I kind of don't feel that way anymore. Of course I am because everyone is.

I keep having this thought that the things I'm attracted to shouldn't necessarily be incorporated into my life style wise. So, in a way, yes it feels like I'm lying to myself, but at the same time, I don't necessarily like how it looks when I'm using the item. That probably makes no sense. For example, I saw this pale yellow shirt today with a cute cut that I was considering buying. Yellow doesn't really look all that great on me and it wasn't something I would "pin" to my clothing board on Pinterest that I've been trying to get my style closer to. I probably wouldn't feel like I looked my most attractive if I were to wear it.

I want to feel confident in what I'm wearing to help raise my self-esteem.