Becoming New

I wrote this about a week ago and never posted it:

I keep trying to clean my room, but I have things on my mind that I want to write about for a bit. Since as early as being a toddler, I've always loved masks and costumes. I've had identity crises since middle school. I remember asking myself do I want to dress this way or that way (and they were completely different and very specific.) I go through phases of how I want to dress and I'm going through one again.

I keep wanting to beat myself up about it and subconsciously tell myself "but that's not you." But why can't it be? I can dress however I want and the only person preventing me from dressing how I want to is myself. I guess it's because dressing the way I want makes me feel like I'm trying to fit a mold. But if it's what makes me happy, who cares?

I do feel like I'm having an identity crisis right now. I've completely changed who I was in the last 6 months or so. It's insane to think how quickly people can completely change. I used to feel like such a unique individual. I kind of don't feel that way anymore. Of course I am because everyone is.

I keep having this thought that the things I'm attracted to shouldn't necessarily be incorporated into my life style wise. So, in a way, yes it feels like I'm lying to myself, but at the same time, I don't necessarily like how it looks when I'm using the item. That probably makes no sense. For example, I saw this pale yellow shirt today with a cute cut that I was considering buying. Yellow doesn't really look all that great on me and it wasn't something I would "pin" to my clothing board on Pinterest that I've been trying to get my style closer to. I probably wouldn't feel like I looked my most attractive if I were to wear it.

I want to feel confident in what I'm wearing to help raise my self-esteem.