It's going to be another of those shit eyebrows because you're crying days.

I hate those mornings when you want to cry in the shower, but you gotta get out. Then, you can't cry when you get out either because you have to do your make up.

Fake

I'm tired of being around fakeness. Fake smiles, fake laughs, fake social media. I'm incredibly guilty of it too. I'm tired of doing it. Well, I don't feel like my social media is actually that fake. I don't try to make things seem better than they really are. Trying to curate the perfect pictures all the time. Nobody's real anymore. I spend way too much time on fucking social media. Wasting my life. It inspires me sometimes, but honestly mostly makes me feel like I'm not good enough or not doing enough. I stare at screens the entire day. I'm doing it now.

When I started this blog, I started it with intention of making a self-help blog and that's pretty much gone out the window. Right now, I'm visualizing that romanticized girl or guy sitting in bathtub smoking cigarettes with some candles. Maybe reading. That sounds nice.

I know I need to find myself/work on myself. I crave being alone so badly. Even as I write this, I was sitting out back cross legged on the porch and my mom came back here with some randos trying to buy a fish tank or something. There's just noise everywhere. Always people talking. I feel like I want to just shut myself up in a quiet room and just think.

I don't have energy for anyone. I find myself doing anything I can to avoid people.

I keep trying to think about what I'm good at and what comes easy for me. Writing definitely does. Primarily journaling. I feel like I keep trying to be something I'm not, or maybe change who I am rather. I feel I have to censor myself though because people only want to read happy things. Again, not realistic. I always try to suppress the negative feelings I have because we're supposed to be happy all the time. Positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative, but I got some shit to get out. I'm tired of not talking about it, because it might make people uncomfortable. That's what writers/artists do. It feels good to get this out. I just deleted my facebook and instagram off my phone. I guess I'm going to wrap this up because my neck is starting to hurt. Here's some pictures inspiring me at the moment. I'm definitely feeling a Jesse from Gilmore Girls kind of way right now.

Alone

I've seen something posted many times about how life will keep giving you the same test until you pass. People keep dropping from my life like flies. Some of it I think is my fault. Some of it is I think that I don't want to settle for things that don't fit right with me. I'm so fucking tired of giving so much of myself to people for very little in return.

I really think life is trying to tell me that I need to be ok with being alone. I've never been able to do that. I like some alone time, but I also need someone to comfort me. It's becoming more and more obvious that you can't rely on anyone and that person has to be you.

The one thing I've never been able to face is being on my own. I don't know how.

I just feel like a boring person and need external stimulation beyond what I can provide for myself. I feel like a selfish person when I write online, but it's because in my real life I try to let everyone else say what they need to. My threshold is fucking overflowing. I'm tired of trying to make other people feel better about themselves. I keep giving and giving and giving. I just can't. There's nothing left. I feel like a vial. Slowly getting drained, drop by drop. I need someone to hold me, touch my hair and tell me it's going to be ok.

I'm becoming so fucking cold. I just don't fucking care anymore. Nobody fucking cares about me. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm not going to reach out to people anymore. I'm tired of checking in with people.

I just want to meet someone that gives as much as I give them. I can't keep giving when there's nothing left.

I kind of hate being an INFP. Our main goal is to find someone to love and it's fucking consuming my life and has been for as long as I can remember. I hate it. Literally like since kindergarten I remember being boy crazy. My first kiss was in kindergarten. Obviously nothing besides being a kid, but still. It's something that is never going to change. I just want to love myself and not need anyone else. It's just not realistic. I hate being lonely. I'm not enough for myself.

7/17/19

I can't really think of a more creative title right now. I just got off work and I'm not going to let myself drink tonight. I haven't had a sober night in forever. This might be a weird thing to write about, but we're all different, and this is something that for some crazy reason I believe in and that's energy.

I feel it way more than I wish I did. Being around certain people makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Yesterday was crazy. I could definitely feel how the full moon was affecting people. Everyone was on edge including myself.

I'm at a point in my life now that I don't want to be around people that I feel have bad energy.

I'm currently watching this video and it's really resonating with how I've been feeling the last few days.

https://youtu.be/7g589hdraus

I had been feeling (even before I watched this) that now is the time to really start changing things for the positive. It's time to work on finding a new place to live. I no longer have anyone making me feel bad about my current life situation besides myself. That honestly feels way better when it's only you telling yourself to improve. When it's someone else, it just makes you feel like you're a fuck up.

I got some good news today, and I'm hoping my living situation is going to change within the next 2 months or so. I was so happy to hear this, because it really couldn't have come at a better time. It feels like everything is falling apart and I barely have a grasp on how to function these days. That's probably a bit dramatic, but I'm just probably the worst off I've ever been. I've never been the irresponsible one until now. The biggest thing I had to worry about was my anxiety. Which honestly hasn't affected me much lately. Having to move back in with my mom AGAIN really messed with me this time. It just made me feel like I'm never going to flourish.

I really think once I get out of here I'll feel more like myself again and like I can actually be an adult. I should just appreciate it while I have less responsibilities, but it's hard when I have that lingering pressure over me that I need to move out very soon. My family is going to be looking for houses next month.

Attachment

My entire life has pretty much reinforced not to get attached to things. I guess having that mindset makes it easier when things in your life keep getting damaged or taken away. I'm a taurus and taurus's like having nice things. Even if I don't want to have a lot, I want the things I have to be nice.

My step-dad was nice enough to help me move, but I'm now down a metal shelf and my favorite piece of furniture is damaged in multiple places. As sad as it sounds, that dresser has been symbolic for me. It's the one thing that I've stuck to my guns on and did it for myself. I've always wanted white furniture. I even had my old roomate's mom tell me I don't need a dresser. I didn't have white furniture in my last house either (well until the very end). Having white furniture is something that I associated with me being able to make it on my own. Because it was my choice and something I wanted so badly.

It's been the one thing that's been home to me is using that stupid ass white dresser. I didn't get to use it for a long time, because it was something I bought at the end of my marriage. It stayed at that house for a long time, before I got a place that I could actually use it.

Sure it's only a $180 Ikea dresser, but it meant a lot to me. Even my car is falling apart.

I'm just trying so hard to not be attached to things or even people. It's not easy, but honestly it's becoming my way of life. Especially with how often I've had to move. I kind of don't have a choice.

I know this is a stupid rant. It's just like fuck, can I have anything?

A Shift in Focus

This is my first blog post in some time. I decided to create a new blog. I'll be honest, I'm not sold on the name, but hey I'm just going to go with it. Life lately has been such a wild string of events that have led to where I am now. Writing and drinking on my mom's porch.

I got kicked out of where I was living previously. Most of belongings are still there, but my family is going to help me move very soon. So many things have brought me to this point and I feel I am finally ready for change.

One of my biggest flaws is that I have always been very selfish. I'm not sure why or how I became that way exactly. Maybe being the oldest child and having siblings that wanted to use my things, and not treating them as if they were their own. Things being returned with imperfections. They didn't know any better.

Working hard and having things to show for it. I'm lazy, so I guess that makes it even worse, because of how much effort was involved to be rewarded. So I learned to be protective. It's not fun to talk about. Nobody likes sharing their faults. We all want to appear perfect, but of course nobody is. However, it's ok to be weak sometimes. You just can't let it define you or take over.

For the last 10 years,  I have been working to become a minimalist. Constantly getting rid of things. However, I still can't say I truly am one. I try to loosely live that way. I can't even tell you how much of my life I have spent toiling over what I should keep and what I should get rid of. It took getting to where I am today to hit my breaking point.

I have moved way too many times the last couple years. 6 or 7 in two years I believe. I just can't take it anymore. I'm so tired of moving my shit around. That's how it's been my entire life. I couldn't even tell you how many different schools I went to. On average moving every two years. I can't anymore. I feel like I'm never going to actually be able to settle anywhere.

Also, life is way too fucking short to obsessively be thinking about what should stay and go. I met someone recently that essentially had to raise themselves at an early age.  He dealt with homelessness, not knowing where the next meal would come from,  or the next bed to sleep in. He had to sleep with what he owned in his pockets at risk of it being taken in the night. However, he has some of the most solid friendships a person could ask for.

With that being said, I've questioned a lot about the reason why we're here as people. Of course nobody truly knows. What I keep coming back to is people making connections with each other. I've thought that's why people end up offing themselves is because they're lonely. They have no true support system. No one to break through.

When I feel most alive is when I make a true connection with someone. Unfortunately for me, it's incredibly rare.

I could go on and on, but where I'm trying to get is that I want to get rid of most of my things and focus on people. I've neglected that for most of my life. Bonding. It never came easy for me, and eventually I just gave up. All I needed was myself. I'm tired of just my own company. It's lonely. Needed at times, but lonely.

I'm not entirely sure what that's going to look like yet. Probably a career change. I have a couple ideas in mind.