Becoming New (or just accepting yourself)

I’ve been thinking, as I do lol, and this is almost a continuation of my last post. I’m realizing that I’m ok with not having one style. I have a dark and a light side and my style represents that. I also have kind of a middle ground as well. I don’t have one go to. Sometimes I want to wear all black or a white thermal shirt, sometimes I want to wear a fuzzy bubblegum pink sweater, and other times I want to wear a yellow dress. I’ve felt like I’ve needed to narrow it down, but really I don’t. Sure it’s easier if I do, but like life, everything isn’t black and white. It’s easier if I accept myself as who I am: someone that does what feels right.

I’ve been watching this youtuber https://www.youtube.com/user/BreenyLee and she’s been inspiring me more than probably any other youtuber, it’s insane. Particularly her pep talks. I’ve been watching her videos all day, and they’re getting my mindset right. Back to myself. To where it needs to be. I really feel she has it figured out in so many aspects. She read her “list” of what she wanted in her dream partner and hers was more extensive than mine, and I found that comforting. I thought I was expecting too much. She made me want to work on mine more.

I feel like I have more to say, but I’m going to leave it at this for now.

Becoming New

I wrote this about a week ago and never posted it:

I keep trying to clean my room, but I have things on my mind that I want to write about for a bit. Since as early as being a toddler, I've always loved masks and costumes. I've had identity crises since middle school. I remember asking myself do I want to dress this way or that way (and they were completely different and very specific.) I go through phases of how I want to dress and I'm going through one again.

I keep wanting to beat myself up about it and subconsciously tell myself "but that's not you." But why can't it be? I can dress however I want and the only person preventing me from dressing how I want to is myself. I guess it's because dressing the way I want makes me feel like I'm trying to fit a mold. But if it's what makes me happy, who cares?

I do feel like I'm having an identity crisis right now. I've completely changed who I was in the last 6 months or so. It's insane to think how quickly people can completely change. I used to feel like such a unique individual. I kind of don't feel that way anymore. Of course I am because everyone is.

I keep having this thought that the things I'm attracted to shouldn't necessarily be incorporated into my life style wise. So, in a way, yes it feels like I'm lying to myself, but at the same time, I don't necessarily like how it looks when I'm using the item. That probably makes no sense. For example, I saw this pale yellow shirt today with a cute cut that I was considering buying. Yellow doesn't really look all that great on me and it wasn't something I would "pin" to my clothing board on Pinterest that I've been trying to get my style closer to. I probably wouldn't feel like I looked my most attractive if I were to wear it.

I want to feel confident in what I'm wearing to help raise my self-esteem.

It's going to be another of those shit eyebrows because you're crying days.

I hate those mornings when you want to cry in the shower, but you gotta get out. Then, you can't cry when you get out either because you have to do your make up.

Fake

I'm tired of being around fakeness. Fake smiles, fake laughs, fake social media. I'm incredibly guilty of it too. I'm tired of doing it. Well, I don't feel like my social media is actually that fake. I don't try to make things seem better than they really are. Trying to curate the perfect pictures all the time. Nobody's real anymore. I spend way too much time on fucking social media. Wasting my life. It inspires me sometimes, but honestly mostly makes me feel like I'm not good enough or not doing enough. I stare at screens the entire day. I'm doing it now.

When I started this blog, I started it with intention of making a self-help blog and that's pretty much gone out the window. Right now, I'm visualizing that romanticized girl or guy sitting in bathtub smoking cigarettes with some candles. Maybe reading. That sounds nice.

I know I need to find myself/work on myself. I crave being alone so badly. Even as I write this, I was sitting out back cross legged on the porch and my mom came back here with some randos trying to buy a fish tank or something. There's just noise everywhere. Always people talking. I feel like I want to just shut myself up in a quiet room and just think.

I don't have energy for anyone. I find myself doing anything I can to avoid people.

I keep trying to think about what I'm good at and what comes easy for me. Writing definitely does. Primarily journaling. I feel like I keep trying to be something I'm not, or maybe change who I am rather. I feel I have to censor myself though because people only want to read happy things. Again, not realistic. I always try to suppress the negative feelings I have because we're supposed to be happy all the time. Positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative, but I got some shit to get out. I'm tired of not talking about it, because it might make people uncomfortable. That's what writers/artists do. It feels good to get this out. I just deleted my facebook and instagram off my phone. I guess I'm going to wrap this up because my neck is starting to hurt. Here's some pictures inspiring me at the moment. I'm definitely feeling a Jesse from Gilmore Girls kind of way right now.

Alone

I've seen something posted many times about how life will keep giving you the same test until you pass. People keep dropping from my life like flies. Some of it I think is my fault. Some of it is I think that I don't want to settle for things that don't fit right with me. I'm so fucking tired of giving so much of myself to people for very little in return.

I really think life is trying to tell me that I need to be ok with being alone. I've never been able to do that. I like some alone time, but I also need someone to comfort me. It's becoming more and more obvious that you can't rely on anyone and that person has to be you.

The one thing I've never been able to face is being on my own. I don't know how.

I just feel like a boring person and need external stimulation beyond what I can provide for myself. I feel like a selfish person when I write online, but it's because in my real life I try to let everyone else say what they need to. My threshold is fucking overflowing. I'm tired of trying to make other people feel better about themselves. I keep giving and giving and giving. I just can't. There's nothing left. I feel like a vial. Slowly getting drained, drop by drop. I need someone to hold me, touch my hair and tell me it's going to be ok.

I'm becoming so fucking cold. I just don't fucking care anymore. Nobody fucking cares about me. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm not going to reach out to people anymore. I'm tired of checking in with people.

I just want to meet someone that gives as much as I give them. I can't keep giving when there's nothing left.

I kind of hate being an INFP. Our main goal is to find someone to love and it's fucking consuming my life and has been for as long as I can remember. I hate it. Literally like since kindergarten I remember being boy crazy. My first kiss was in kindergarten. Obviously nothing besides being a kid, but still. It's something that is never going to change. I just want to love myself and not need anyone else. It's just not realistic. I hate being lonely. I'm not enough for myself.

7/17/19

I can't really think of a more creative title right now. I just got off work and I'm not going to let myself drink tonight. I haven't had a sober night in forever. This might be a weird thing to write about, but we're all different, and this is something that for some crazy reason I believe in and that's energy.

I feel it way more than I wish I did. Being around certain people makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Yesterday was crazy. I could definitely feel how the full moon was affecting people. Everyone was on edge including myself.

I'm at a point in my life now that I don't want to be around people that I feel have bad energy.

I'm currently watching this video and it's really resonating with how I've been feeling the last few days.

https://youtu.be/7g589hdraus

I had been feeling (even before I watched this) that now is the time to really start changing things for the positive. It's time to work on finding a new place to live. I no longer have anyone making me feel bad about my current life situation besides myself. That honestly feels way better when it's only you telling yourself to improve. When it's someone else, it just makes you feel like you're a fuck up.

I got some good news today, and I'm hoping my living situation is going to change within the next 2 months or so. I was so happy to hear this, because it really couldn't have come at a better time. It feels like everything is falling apart and I barely have a grasp on how to function these days. That's probably a bit dramatic, but I'm just probably the worst off I've ever been. I've never been the irresponsible one until now. The biggest thing I had to worry about was my anxiety. Which honestly hasn't affected me much lately. Having to move back in with my mom AGAIN really messed with me this time. It just made me feel like I'm never going to flourish.

I really think once I get out of here I'll feel more like myself again and like I can actually be an adult. I should just appreciate it while I have less responsibilities, but it's hard when I have that lingering pressure over me that I need to move out very soon. My family is going to be looking for houses next month.